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Never Say Never
October 5, 2004
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So. Um. Web Guy Josiah promised you I'd do something funny today, did he? Erm... uh... here! ::spaztastically crumples up a piece of paper into an unrecognizable shape:: A GOOSE! ::falls over::
Whew. Honestly, it's been a helluva day. 6 AM wakeup call for 7:45 jury duty. PUGH. There are no words to describe how much that sucks. So I'll make one up: "assfugstupidar." Yes. Learn it, write it, put it in your spellchecker, try to avoid it in life. Assfugstupidar: noun. The state of utter sleepy, grumpy, altogether unpleasant and ill-feeling-ness. Ex: waking up at 6 AM with too little sleep from the night before to struggle through traffic and a security check to watch a jury orientation video before being hustled into a jury room and being told that one stands a chance of sitting on a panel with 11 other fleshbags for SEVEN DAYS to decide a man's fate for the charge of attempted murder. I shit you not. The fact that I didn't get picked was proof that there is a God. Getting back in time to spend some of my hard-earned paycheck dough on the UCI Vendor Fair (wherein random sundry types set up tables and such along a student walk at UCI and sell really nifty shit) - that I adore - is proof that apparently I am currently on the Universal Being's good side. Or at least karma getting me back for multiple excruciating hours in a jury room. PUGH AGAIN.
But I have nifty things. I picked up The Toaster's Dub 56 CD - not terribly common to find a CD from an old-school ska band just sitting around in a CD folder at a UCI vendor fair - for only THREE BUCKS, and I feel like I got the Crown Jewels at a swap meet. Whoo for good ska. The only thing I used to have from the Toasters was "Little Hidden Secrets" (which is quite good) and the "Chat Mix" of "Dub 56," which REALLY shows part of ska's roots (which, to the layman, grew largely out of reggae, then got itself some punk and swing infusion, the result of which is sweet hot badass crazy music with horns and occasionally saxophones involved and makes Annie all crazy with the happiness). Meaning it's pretty much reggae, and thus largely incomprehensible. Even the written-out lyrics are likely to make someone unfamiliar with the Jamaican dialect blink and squint in disbelief. But let me ASSURE you, doubters, that both versions rock so hard, and make you want to skank SO BADLY, you will not believe your own brain. Oh, quick definition of "skank": it's basically how you dance to ska. It's not required or anything, but it fits the beat and all, you know?
Annie's Guide To Proper Skankin'*
1. Make sure there are no people within the reach of your legs or arms - at least a 3-3.5' radius "safety zone" around you. This is the most important step. You'll see as the later ones come along.
2. Bob your head forward and back to the music, because you are Grooving here. Aw. Yes. GROOVE. C'mon rude boy.
3. Move your shoulders left and right to the beat, to accompany your head. You're getting there!
4. Start enthusiastically punching the air with the appropriate arm as that shoulder moves forward. Don't rush: let it feel natural.
5. Start kicking your legs opposite to your arms. To keep the rhythm, be scooting your legs back just so, so you can kick again.
6. Get all this coordinated.
7. Do all the aforementioned, only do it to ROCK HARD. Like there is nothing more important in your life than dancing as hard as you can this very moment. You should look like a spaz, sorta, only totally inexplicably COOL. If you can do this for more than 30 seconds at a time, you are a bigger person than I. Or at least you've got a fuck of a lot more stamina.
* Meaning dancing to ska, you lascivious bastards.
Anyhow. I should get going - I need to solve the conundrums of 1) how to get rid of all the goddammed GNATS that live in our fucking houseplants and 2) why the hell they seem to enjoy flying (no joke) directly up my nose - but I hope I've filled my end of the funny bargain. If not... uhm... lookit! A GOOSE! ::bolts::
The Funny-Squeezing-Out-Of Machine,
Annie "Blue" C
Get involved and your problem is solved
- The Toasters
"Dub 56"
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