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No. No, It's Not
February 8, 2005
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AGAIN with the Fable. And my addled desire to have someone say "that is HOT" at a totally inappropriate time. I have revealed myself! Filler is what I do when I want to do something solely to please myself and not advance any sort of plot! WAHAHAH! ...okay sorry real comic will be back on Friday. I'm sorry. Don't hit me with the garden hose again I be good... ::sniffles::
Yes. Annie brain is gone. You all suspected it: now you know for sure. And knowing is half the battle, yo Joe, et cetera. Moving on!
I know, I know. Adding your name to this petition won't make him stop making movies - no force on Earth could make Uwe Boll do that, for yea, he is an unstoppable Sucking Machine of Horribleness and a Pustule on the Asscheek of Humankind - but it WILL make you feel like you've done something to better the world, in some small way. And I must say that if you do not know whom I am referring to, I shall sum him up in two words: Videogame Antichrist. He's put his wet stank on House of the Dead (which wasn't a real winning franchise to begin with, I do admit) and Alone in the Dark (whose Lovecraftian horror and status as 'first game that was actually scary" MADE it a good franchise), and now he's sinking his talentless hands into Bloodrayne. Mind you, I've never liked Bloodrayne much - her quasi-domanatrix, obviously stroke-material status (even BEFORE the Playboy fiasco) has earned from me nothing but scorn - but I have to say, even she does not deserve the awkward and filthy embrace that only Uwe Boll can give, the man who can make Catwoman seem like fucking Citizen Kane.
From what I have seen of it so far (purely from a perverse sense of curiosity, I assure you), it is set in the 1700's, and I have seen fucking COSPLAYERS with better costuming (BAD cosplayers. Cosplayers so bad that if you look up "bad cosplay" on Google Image Search, they are SO BAD they do not even show up). I am not even talking period wear (because I can assure you, as they show you in stills, TANK TOPS are NOT 1700's-era accurate), I am speaking in terms of basic quality. And seriously? The makeup artist must have spent a couple of hours on the set and just said "fuck it" and left, because I swear that NONE of the actors are wearing anything. This makes a difference especially for Kristanna Loken (as Bloodrayne) who, last I checked (despite the film's suckness) was actually kind of hot, but Jesus, from these stills, you could have fucking fooled me. She looks like she just dyed her hair a ridiculous red maybe four days ago, and hasn't washed it since. Also, she somehow looks like someone's MOM, not a goth vixen machine of death with blades on her arms. Usually I am the first to yell whoa nelly NO on the black eyeliner, but since this is Bloodrayne and obviously you all have thrown the whole "this is 1700's Romania" thing out the window well JESUS, bring that shit on. Give her Clinique's fucking fall lineup, God, whatever does the trick. I know you're beautiful, Kristanna, and you should know that no matter what you do I'll always hate your character and it won't be your fault, but seriously. You don't look the part and you aren't making me buy you not looking it by reinventing it. When I first saw Famke Janssen as Jean Grey I was all "erg I dunno about this" but then like five seconds later I was in love with it... shit, I always disliked Jean Grey, but Famke's performance made me like her BUNCHES. But yeah.
Don't even ASK me how they got Ben Kingsley to star in it. Or Michael Madsen. I think Uwe Boll captured their children and significant others and threatened to torture them with stinging insects in their eyeballs unless they signed to the film, because fuck if I can imagine why anyone outside of a desperate has-been actor no career or acting ability would EVER want to be in a film with him at the helm. God.
Ah. As for the location of all this madness, I will not tell you where the site is that features the hideousness of it - my site shall remain untainted with a direct link to its vileness - but I will suggest that should you be fool enough to inflict the viewing of such on yourself, you might try the name of the given game and add a dash"themovie" to the end. Then slap a .com on there and you're set. Set for the movie that looks like the inside of a butt. To turn a phrase. Hah. I laugh because that is the humor offered to me here, and I work with what I got. Also? There is this fake Livejournal that is genius... because it's TRUE. And the truth hurts. ::sigh::
Anyhow. I've got to get to Sleepytown, because I must work like people do, so I shall bid thee all a farewell and warn you again that if you ever see Uwe Boll walking along the street, don't let him bite you or you'll become one of them, and only a direct hit to the brain will properly kill him. Also, make sure you see the dark stain of blood on the floor or he'll just be playing dead and try to grab and gnaw on your foot when you pass.
(Dammit. I'm doing a comic about this. It's not my fault. It's fate. Blame the Boll. He's the one who sucks.)
Be excellent to each other.
Flipflopper,
Annie "Blue" C
Pissing the night away
- Chumbawamba
"Tubthumping"
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